Other mock drafts are an exercise in projection. Educated guessing.

This is a mock draft of truth. And it’s more accurate than every other mock you can find.

1. Panthers: A quarterback.

2. Texans: A quarterback they’ll say they wanted all along.

3. Cardinals: (desperately hoping the phone rings)

4. Colts: A quarterback and this time they promise to take care of it.

5. Seahawks: Someone with unlimited potential. Perhaps even someone dangerous.

6. Lions: Someone who better enjoy hype.

7. Raiders: Hopefully not a quarterback. Poor kid would spend his entire career being compared to Patrick Mahomes and Justin Herbert.

8. Falcons: I’m still bitter about how they screwed up Kyle Pitts. So, I’m hoping someone who immediately decides to retire.

9. Bears: Is it a warm body? Then it’ll help.

10. Eagles: Someone who isn’t a linebacker for the 44th year in a row. (Last 1st round LB: 1979-Jerry Robinson)

11. Titans: Someone new for Derrick Henry to carry.

12. Texans: Someone who they will give a fully guaranteed contract. Just to mess with the Browns.

13. Packers: Won’t really matter. Like look into Packers headquarters here.

14. Patriots: Someone who is not gonna save Bill Belichick’s job.

15. Jets: Whoever makes this guy happy. Good luck with that.

16. Commanders: Maybe the first player who won’t have a paycheck signed by Daniel Snyder. Might wanna frame that.

17. Steelers: No matter what, someone who is not going to have a losing season. 16 in a row now for Mike Tomlin without a miss. One of the sports feats that does not get enough credit.

18. Lions: I bet Jameson Williams would love to know.

19. Bucs: Let’s Google the Tampa Bay Buccaneer quarterback depth chart:

So, someone who better be able to work miracles.

20. Seahawks: Someone who will be the Seahawks second top 20 pick in the draft. Which is as many top 20 picks as Seattle had in the last 12 drafts combined. It’s nice for Pete Carroll because, at 71 years old, he can’t stay up that late anymore.

21. Chargers: This is finally the year. I don’t care who it is. I’m not getting sucked into riding the Charger bandwagon again. There is no player who could possibly change my mind. Not this time. I’ve learned my lesson. Unless it’s Michael Mayer.

22. Ravens: Someone who will take the focus off Lamar Jackson. For an hour or two.

23. Vikings: Someone who won’t have a crazier story than Bob Lee. Selected in the 17th round of the 1968 draft, Lee was Minnesota’s choice because scout Jerry Reichow liked how he looked throwing balls on the sideline of an East-West Shrine Game where Lee was the kicker. Lee went on to play 12 seasons. You can enjoy the full story of the pick here.

24. Jaguars: I bet Calvin Ridley would love to know.

25. Giants: The luckiest offensive player in the draft.

26. Cowboys: Another running back Jerry Jones can ridiculously overpay.

27. Bills: Some help for Josh Allen on offense or BillsMafia will show up in Orchard Park with torches and pitchforks.

28. Bengals: An offensive lineman until told otherwise.  

29. Saints: Someone who can’t be the worst first round pick in team history. That would be kicker Russell Erxleben, taken 11th overall in 1979. That’s right… kicker. The second highest kicker drafted in NFL history. His career began by throwing a dimwitted pick-six in overtime to lose his first ever NFL game and everything went downhill from there. And I mean everything. He’s been convicted and sent to prison twice for running Ponzi schemes. He’s now called the “most hated man in Saints history”. Erxleben did also go 71 picks in front of some quarterback named Joe Montana.

30. Eagles: To review, Philly is coming off a Super Bowl appearance. They have just about a fully stacked roster. Their QB is still, basically, on a rookie cap hit. And this is their second first round pick. So, someone who has near zero pressure or expectations.

31. Chiefs: The latest player to be the “only” reason Mahomes is good.

XX. Dolphins (pick forfeited): Even from retirement (and maybe it’s actually real this time), Tom Brady hands the AFC East one last L.