An NFL Draft round one projection of truth:
- Bengals–Joe Burrow.
- Washington–Chase Young, but they’ll try really hard to screw it up.
- Lions–A player who will somehow continue to waste the career of Matt Stafford.
- Giants–It doesn’t matter. Dave Gettleman will get ripped for it anyway.
- Dolphins–They tanked for Tua all year, so it’ll be… a tackle.
- Chargers–A quarterback who won’t want to play for them.
- Panthers–A defensive player. You see their division?
- Cardinals–Someone who damn well better keep Kyler Murray healthy.
- Jaguars–A player with a second round grade. Tank for Trevor full steam ahead.
- Browns–Someone who immediately deserves your sympathy.
- Jets–Someone big.
- Raiders–Someone fast.
- 49ers–If it’s not a receiver, then every mock draft will be wrong.
- Bucs–(Too busy planning the Super Bowl parade to pay attention)
- Broncos–See Niners pick.
- Falcons–No matter what, it’ll be less fun than their final pick in 1972 when they selected John Wayne. Seriously… THAT John Wayne.
- Cowboys–Jerry Jones… alone in a room with 17 computers and no IT help. What could go wrong?
- Dolphins–(Praying they don’t regret the decision they made at #5)
- Raiders–Someone else fast.
- Jaguars–Ok… this pick they’ll take kinda seriously.
- Eagles–Not a linebacker. Hasn’t happened for Philly in round one since 1979. (President of the News 8 Eagles fan club Alexa Ross pushed for “It doesn’t matter, the fans will hate it” here, but they won a Super Bowl too recently. Another year or two, and that’ll be back)
- Vikings–Fatalistic Bills fans fully expect this to be the next Pat Mahomes.
- Patriots–(Finally realizing how hard this is when you don’t have the greatest QB of all time as a safety net)
- Saints–The Round One Champion (AKA the only guy who is immediately on vacation)
- Vikings–Someone who can get a stop.
- Dolphins–(Starting to get delusions of AFC East grandeur)
- Seahawks–Dear Lord, please make it an offensive lineman so we can all see Russell Wilson live past 35.
- Ravens–The guy who will earn them a 2025 compensation pick.
- Titans–The only guy lucky enough not to have any worries about tackling Derrick Henry.
- Packers–Someone who, every day, will now get to see this:
31. 49ers–They still have John Lynch, right? It’ll be fine.
32. Chiefs–They still have Pat Mahomes, right? It’ll be fine.
54. Bills–As long as he says nice things about Josh Allen… and chicken wings (but, bad things about ranch!!), the fans will be good.